We Shouldn't
by purpleushi
Summary: RPS J2 slash. Jared and Jensen did something one night after a long day of filming, and neither can stop thinking about it. They know they shouldn't, they're both married, and Gen has a baby moose on the way, but these feelings are just too strong.


**A/N: This is my first RPS fic in a while! I used to write bandfiction, but I haven't written about real people in about 3 years. So hope this goes well.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own. These people actually exist. Derp. So none of these events actually occurred (well, maybe they did, who knows) but yeah, this is all fiction. References to real people and places aren't mine. You know the drill.**

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><p>Jensen was jolted awake as loud classic rock blared in his ear. He looked over to his nightstand and saw that his phone was lighting up. He remembered then that he had stolen Dean's ringtone from the sound guys, and that he'd set it as Jared 's ringtone.<p>

His groggy mind slowly put two and two together and realized that Jared was calling.

At eight in the morning on their day off.

He flipped open the phone. " 'llo?"

"Hey! Hey man, were you asleep?" Jared was oddly chipper.

"Yes. Just like any _normal_ person would be…"

Jared ignored his snark and forged ahead. "So I, uh, have some news. We should meet up! You want to get breakfast? We can go to that café on 3rd street. They have great lattes. Should we meet there?"

Jensen squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't think you need any caffeine bro."

"Sorry, just excited. So can we meet? And then I can tell you?"

Jensen groaned. "Alright yeah, sure. See you in twenty?"

"Okay sounds good. So yeah, see you. Okay bye!"

Jensen heard the phone click and pulled it away from his ear, staring at it dumbfounded for a few seconds. The hell? Jared sounded like a five year old who'd eaten al his Halloween candy in one sitting. Something was clearly up, and Jensen wondered whether he'd want to know of not.

He noticed that he had a voice mail on his phone and realized he must have slept through that call. It was Danneel, telling him that her plane was delayed and she wouldn't make it home until around 10pm that night. He texted her back quickly before jumping in the shower.

Twenty minutes later, he was sitting in a booth across from Jared, ordering a cappuccino while Jared fidgeted and squirmed like he'd forgotten to take his Adderal. After the waitress left, Jensen couldn't take it anymore. "So what's this news?" he asked.

Jared couldn't contain the smile that was taking over his face. "So, um," he started, looking down at his hands. "Gen's pregnant. I'm going to be a dad!" He looked up at Jensen, eyes shining.

"That's fantastic!" Jensen exclaimed. "Congrats man, that's—that's awesome!"

Jared looked relieved. "I know, it's so great!"

"How far along is she?" Jensen asked.

"Two months. We just found out. But we're not telling anyone, not even family yet."

"You told me," Jensen pointed out.

"Well, _yeah_, you're my best friend. How could I not?"

Jensen looked down, quiet now.

Jared frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Hm? Nothing," Jensen assured.

"Oh, okay."

They were saved from the awkward silence when the waitress returned with their drinks. Jensen busied himself with emptying a pack of sugar into his, while Jared chewed his lip looking concerned.

"Hey I—" Jared started at the same time as Jensen said "Well, actually—"

They both laughed with nervous stiltedness.

"You first," Jared insisted.

Jensen shook his head. "No, you."

Jared shrugged, "Okay, I was just going to ask if you would be the godfather. You know, in case anything happens."

Jensen was glad he hadn't spoken now. What he was going to say would have certainly put a damper on the mood.

"Of course," he answered with a smile.

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><p>Two months later and the internet was bursting with rumors of the "Padababy". Jared responded at first with jokes and humor, but after he and Gen talked about it, they decided to make a public announcement.<p>

That night, Jared came over to Jensen's for beer and pizza. Danneel was away again for work on a movie. Jared flopped onto Jensen's couch, enormous limbs everywhere.

"I can't believe this is real," Jared declared to the ceiling.

"Hm?" Jensen came into the room with two cans of beer. Jared sat up, catching the can Jensen tossed.

"I'm going to be a _father_! I'm not ready for this. I can't handle this responsibility." He cracked open the can and took a gulp.

Jensen sat down next to Jared on the couch.

"Jared, you're the best guy I know. You're going to be an incredible father. Gen is so lucky to have you."

Jared frowned, staring at the drink in his hands. "You really think so?"

They sat in comfortable silence for a bit, sipping their beers.

Then Jared turned towards Jensen.

"Hey Jen? Do you ever think about…that night?"

Jensen knew exactly what he was referring to. He didn't meet Jared's questioning gaze.

"Jen?" Jared asked again.

"Yeah… Yeah I think about it."

Jared looked away. "Oh." He looked at his hands again. "And do you… would you want it to happen again?"

Jensen chewed his lip. "Yes, more than anything in the world," he heard himself saying. Then he saw Jared's face contort into pained indecision, so he continued. "But I would never ever want to come between you and Genevieve. You two are perfect. You're going to make an amazing family. And I'm so grateful just to be a part of your life." He paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. "So, yes, I think about it constantly, but I would never do anything to jeopardize you and Gen. Especially not now." He took a deep breath.

Jared looked up at him, eyes moist.

"I think about it too. And sometimes I want you so bad I almost can't take it. If it weren't for Gen—"

Jensen cut him off. "No, don't even think that. You and Gen were meant for each other. This is the life you should be living. I'd be selfish to try to take that away from you."

"But I love you, Jen."

Jensen looked down, eyes darkening.

"You shouldn't say that."

"Why? I mean it! You're my best friend, you're always there for me. You're the one I want to see every morning when I wake up, the one I want to talk to when things are shitty, Jen… you're the one I want to hold on to and never let go."

Jensen's eyes burned as the dam of tears threatened to break.

"God, Jared, you don't know how much I want that too. But we can't. It's too late, and if wouldn't be right." He frowned. "I think you should go home to Gen now, it's where you belong." He stood up to show Jared to the door. The other man followed, a look of pain etched into his face.

When they reached the door, Jared grabbed Jensen's wrist, spinning him around. "Jen, I don't know what I would do if I lost you. I-I can't even think about it."

Jensen backed away from Jared, their close proximity trying to his self-control. But Jared closed the gap again, his physical strength preventing Jensen from slipping away.

Jensen froze as Jared's warm lips were suddenly crushed onto his own. His conscious told him to push Jared away, but his body and his heart were keeping him in place. Jared's strong arms wrapped around Jensen's waist and Jensen gave up, sinking into the embrace. He knew it was wrong, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

When they finally broke apart, tears were streaming freely down Jensen's cheeks.

"Shit, we can't do this," he said, extracting himself from Jared's hold. He knew if he didn't stop this now there would be no way he could keep it from escalating into something they'd both regret. He looked away. "Just go. I-I'll see you on set tomorrow." He had to work to keep his voice from cracking.

Jared nodded and opened the door.

When he was gone, Jensen sank to the couch, head in his hands, and let his sobs loose.

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><p>They wrapped up filming season seven in mid-January. Jensen had been beating himself up over how shitty his acting was for the last six or so episodes. He and Jared were acting like nothing had changed, on the surface, but something in their relationship was irreversibly shattered. The connection that had made their on-screen chemistry so believable was damaged and there was no getting past it.<p>

Jensen didn't hate Jared; that wasn't the issue in the least. It was just that after that night, Jensen needed to keep a distance between them, needed to build up a wall to protect himself from more pain, and to prevent himself from doing even more harm. Jared tried to break through, to get back to where they were before the incident, but Jensen wouldn't let him.

Everyone noticed. Jim cornered him one day on the set and channeled Bobby when he yelled "Snap out of it, ya idjit! You boys have always gotten over your stupid tiffs in the past, so get over this one!"

Jensen just shook his head, sighing. "This time is different. I just… can't."

Jim rolled his eyes, and Jensen felt a wave of shame and guilt wash over him. If he could just stick it out until they wrapped the season, then he and Jared could get away from each other. Gen would have her baby and Jared would realize how much he loved his family and this whole thing would just fade into the past.

Finally they finished filming and Jensen and Danneel packed up to head back to LA. Danneel seemed happier than she had been anytime in the last six months. He commented on it one day and she smiled, explaining "I finally get to have you to myself."

Jensen felt a twinge of panic—could Danni possibly know? Then his stomach clenched because he realized that didn't matter. He knew he'd been unintentionally taking out his emotions on Danneel, staying out too late at bars, making excuses for coming home after she was asleep and sneaking into bed. They hadn't been intimate in so long, and when they tried, it just wasn't the same. Jensen felt like he was just going through the motions, and he was sure Danneel could see it too.

For the first time in his life, Jensen was glad to be getting away from Jared. Their relationship just wasn't healthy to anyone.

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><p>Things were great until the end of February. Jensen and Danneel took a vacation to Tijuana and rekindled their relationship. Warm, clear nights spent in a hammock under the stars did wonders for their romance. They returned to LA just before Gen's baby shower. She was having a boy, who was jokingly referred to be the fandom as "the baby moose". It was a girls only event so Jensen was mercifully excused to spend the day watching the Cowboys dominate the NFL playoffs.<p>

Jared was probably doing the same thing.

Jensen cursed himself for thinking about Jared. Gen was due soon, and once the baby was born, whatever the feelings were that Jared had for Jensen, they would be pushed to the back burner and Jensen knew he should do the same.

His body told him otherwise. Rather than helping him move on, the longer he stayed away from Jared the more he yearned for him. There was a painful hole in his heart, more like a cavern really, that ached whenever he thought about Jared. He couldn't even watch Supernatural episodes anymore because it was just too heartbreaking.

He thought back to what Jared had said—_"you're the one I want to hold on to and never let go"_—and he knew there wasn't anything that could more accurately describe his feelings towards is costar, his best friend. If Gen wasn't in the picture… no, he couldn't think like that. He couldn't allow his emotions to get the better of his sensibility and cloud his judgment.

It hit him like a speeding freight train that he wasn't even thinking about Danni in all of this. He'd only been focusing on how doing anything would destroy Jared's relationship. How hurt _Jared_ would end up if Gen found out.

The lump in his throat was back and he felt almost nauseous. He was truly a horrible person. He didn't _deserve_ to have Jared. He made the decision, in that moment, that this was over, and nothing could change his mind.

As he headed to the kitchen for some water, the doorbell rang.

Jensen tensed, praying to God that it wasn't who he thought it was. He couldn't see Jared now, not when he was moping around like a lovesick middle school girl. Plus there was no telling how his, erm, body would react to seeing the man after so long of an absence.

The doorbell rang again, followed by a knock. Jensen clenched his fists and determinedly strode to the door. He didn't even look through the peephole before opening it because he knew who it was.

And so he was completely surprised and a little confused when it was the FedEx man.

"Package for Danneel Ackles?" the man said, looking down at his clipboard. Jensen gaped at him. "Sir?" the man asked again.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm her husband."

"Okay here you go sir, have a nice day."

Jensen took the package, still a little dazed. When he closed the door he sank back against the wall.

Why the hell had he thought it would be Jared? What need would Jared have to come to his house?

He dropped his head to his knees. What was he doing? He was supposed to be getting over Jared, not falling in love with him.

He froze as if dunked into an icy lake.

No. He was not in love with Jared. That simply was not in the realm of possibility.

Then why was it all he could think about?

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.

If only that night had never happened. Then neither of them would have realized their feelings for each other, and they would have just gone on living their lives happily, like they were _supposed _to.

But even as he thought it he knew it wasn't true. When he thought back on it, his feelings for Jared had been building for ages, he just hadn't been able to give a name to them. Then there was that night. It was almost two years ago now.

_They'd been on set shooting for nearly twenty hours, and were both exhausted and borderline delirious, but they needed to get this scene._

_ When they finally got it, they both collapsed into prop chairs groaning. All Jensen wanted to do was crawl into bed, suffocate himself in fluffy blankets, and sleep through the next century. _

_ He and Jared trudged to their trailers to collect their things and then zoned out for the car ride home. Jensen must have dozed off because when he car stopped in front of the house they shared, he blinked his eyes and realized his head was resting on Jared's shoulder. He jolted up, banging his head into Jared's chin, which he became aware had been resting against his temple. He forcefully pushed himself off Jared, apologizing profusely. Jared chuckled a little but didn' say anything as they made their way up to the house._

_ Jensen was nearly bowled over by Sadie and Harley as they bolted to greet their daddy. He stumbled backwards—into Jared's warm strong arms. _

_ "Whoa, I got you buddy," Jaren chuckled. Jensen found himself leaning into Jared's hold. He felt Jared breathe deeply and slip his arms around Jensen's waist. They stayed like that for a comfortable moment, and then Jensen slowly turned around until he was face to face with Jared. Jared's arms wrapped tighter, pulling Jensen snug against his chest._

_ "Hey," Jared whispered, mouth close to Jensen's ear. _

_ "Hey," Jensen whispered back, into Jared's collarbone. They clung to each other for what felt like eons, then at the same time they both turned their heads and their lips brushed. Jensen felt his gut clench with a mix of panic and apprehension, and an overwhelming pang of desire._

_ Before he knew what was happening, their lips were crushed together in a desperate kiss. When they broke apart, gasping for breath, they stared at each other with wide eyes._

_ "Was that—do you—"Jared croaked._

_ Jensen couldn't formulate words. He was terrified, guilty, confused, but the dominating thought in his head was just how _right_ it felt. He was sill entangled in Jared's arms, their bodies warm against each other. He could feel Jared's heart pounding rapidly, nearly in time with his own._

_ Then the reality of the situation hit him in the chest with full force, and he pushed away from Jared._

_ "Shit, we shouldn't have—we can't—I'm sorry—" he stammered and fled to his room, leaving Jared standing alone in the foyer._

_ Jensen collapsed onto his bed, shaking, waves of dread, worry, and a need he didn't understand crashing over him. He fell asleep, eyes moist with inexplicable tears._

When they woke up, neither of them mentioned that night, although it was on Jensen's mind constantly for the next two years.

And still on his mind now.

He leaned back, hitting his head dully on the wall behind him. He wanted Jared. Wanted his strong arms wrapped around him, his musky scent filling his nose, his warm hands clutching his waist, hips, shoulders. He wanted Jared's skin against his skin, Jared's lips—

No.

_No,_ he couldn't do this. It wasn't right to Genevieve, to Danni. Wasn't right to _Jared_.

He stood up on shaky legs and went back into the kitchen. He saw his phone on the table, flashing a missed call. He reached for it tentatively, and this time he was right about who it was. He braced himself against the counter and listened to the message.

"Hey. It's me… Jared. Um, I—uh—I miss you man. I'm sorry about what happened—no, that's a lie. I don't regret it, but I'm sorry I put you in that position. I miss you Jen. Can we… talk?" There was a pause and Jensen heard Jared clear his throat. "Call me. Please." And then the phone clicked.

Jensen stared at it, hand shaking. Then he dialed the number.

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><p><strong>AN: And that's where I hit writer's block. Give me ideas of where it should go from here please! Gracias.**


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